Body Insecurities

Did you know I am insecure and subconscious with my body for as long as I can remember? I have grown into my body pretty fast in height and weight. By the time I was 13 or 14, I looked like I was almost 21. I was already wearing women clothing sizes, possibly skipping over juniors. Most see me as an object. By knowing this, I refuse to objectify myself. I have a 30-inch waist and 40-inch thighs (this is because I do a lot of squats). I weight 160 pounds currently and do not remember weight anything less than 140 since 2nd grade when I was about 118. However, I look like I weight less than I state and weight a size 6. Ideally, this is a great asset to these men all over the world. From what I have been told, envied by women as well. Minus the issues of stress, I am as fit as a horse from what my doctor tells me. I workout and train 6 days a week with a combination of conditioning, interval training, and lifting. I am average on nutrition because; let us be honest, I love food. Unfortunately, what others see is a woman with a nice behind and nice legs. That’s all great but I am more than just that. I never fully comprehended what most men see other than the way I look from the chest down. For as long as I remember, I was always called ugly, unattractive, a nerd, and oddly unworthy like I wasn’t even black or even human. Now that I am 27, guys who are 40 use the same pickup line saying I look like their daughters. I cannot possibly look like everyone’s daughter. That is gross and disrespectful but I am humble. Still, people make the effort to just grab my behind especially when I was in high school. No. Rejected. Denied. I was told I was cold hearted and need to lighten up. Tell me now, for what?! You see, you would never suspect that I wake up at 2 am to get myself ready in the morning. I workout, shower and collect myself together before leaving at 5:15 am to take the bus and then walk 15 minutes work. While walking, I am interrupted by people sometimes asking “why I am taking the bus?”, “where your boyfriend?”. I am no damsel. I am far from it. It gets exhausting, but I do what I need to do. I have gotten a comment one time walking through Philly that my legs were so big and asked if I workout. The answer is yes, but that does not pass as a compliment. It is hard to even accept any compliments concerning the lower half of my body because I am so insecure about it. The worst part is, not one understands because they will ask me why or tell me that I shouldn’t or that it is all in my head. It is just the way I feel. I can workout until I throw up and even become a vegetarian. I can go fitness pro and still feel insecure. The comments aren’t even of intellect let alone a decent comment. As I write this, I want to do 1,000 squats because I don’t like the way my thighs look or my legs look.

International Sailor Moon Day

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I started watching Sailor Moon back in 1996 (I was 6 years old) on Cartoon Network and was instantly obsessed! Back then my life was Super Mario, Art & Sailor Moon. The show marked the first of many anime series. Originally it would come in early at 6am, but I would mainly watch Sailor as soon as I got home from school on Toonami.

There are so many aspects of Sailor Moon to love, but my main reason I connected with the show is that it promoted inclusivity and encourages you to be yourself. In school I was always teased and bullied. Yes, I was gifted and “smart”, but other than that I was teased about everything. Watching Sailor Moon really brightened up my days and I always felt better. Sometimes, in order for me to forget the name calling and me crying every week, I wanted to transform into one of the Sailor Scouts and practically be a heroine. I do have a favorite, which is Sailor Neptune. She is a loner like me into music and art and extremely gifted and her astrological sign is Pisces (like me). Amy Mizuno is my second favorite. My favorite episodes include her segments. She reminds me so much of myself as well.
Each scout has a different strength, and whether you’re the worst at school or the best in school, you are a special individual! In school, I never felt special or good enough. Everyone who watches Sailor Moon has someone to relate to because each scout has a different personality and interest.

Watching Sailor Moon really made me believe I can be whomever I wanted to be and what I put my mind to. Putting Tuexdo Mask in the show really made me believe that true love exists and that there are little happy endings. Today, I haven’t found my “Tuexdo Mask”, but deep down I do know I can do what I set my mind to. To this day, I still watch Sailor Moon along with watching Sailor Moon Crystal.

I Suck At Expressing Emotions

Everyone has thoughts and opinions about almost everything life has to offer. As an introvert, me personally, I suck at expressing those emotions and opinions in words. However, I can easily jot them down on the computer or on paper. I am told I m strange. I am told I am cold. I am even told I am rude. Those are not the case. However, I am doing my best, but sometimes it is not enough for a lot of people.

I am told it is so easy to express. It really is not, but society sometimes does not understand that. That is like saying; stop feeling down when you clearly have chronic depression. I don’t want anyone to act like I do not have any feelings. Hearing about how much you like me as a person or how you really feel about me will not scare me away. I actually want to know what is on your mind. I am a very good listener. However, do not think because you open up to me, means it is easier for me to open up. It is not. It seriously takes time.

When someone asks me how I am doing, I always say “I’m Fine”. I am not trying to lie to you; I just hate the fact that I have feelings. I do not want to make a big deal about how I feel. I just don’t want to be a bother. You can help me get my feelings out, but do not force them out. It takes a lot of time.

I never want to shut anyone out and I really want to express how I feel (about things and life in general). I just never have the right words. If I love you, trust me, I will say it over and over until it gets on your nerves. I am not a tough as I look or sound. I will appear heartless or cold as first glance, because I need to protect myself emotionally. Yes, I have a fear of rejection as well, because I do not want to express my opinions or my feelings and I end up totally wrong about them or criticized for them.

If I cry, I can’t cry in front of anyone. I do not want to push anyone away either. I actually really care. Sometimes, I care too much. However, I am forced and have to be to everyone’s expectations and I remain quiet. This is a very extroverted world we all live in and introverts, like myself, do not really belong. I know this and that is why I suck at expressing my opinions, concerns, and feelings to others.