OCD Is Not An Adjective

Little do people know is that I have OCD, which is an compulsive disorder. I have always hated the phrase “I’m so OCD” because most are not OCD. Recently, I did learn that people with OCD do not state they have OCD, including myself.

There are several subtypes of OCD. Some include checking, sensorimotor, relationship, contamination, just right, suicidal, scrupulously, existentialist, harm/responsibly. For me, it is checking. Every time I leave my place I always have a mental checklist I can not leave my place without and say it to myself: key, wallet, ID and phone. This is without fail. When I do leave I still think I forgot something. I even tend to go back and see if I forgot something.

Checking takes various forms such as checking for safety, understanding and mistakes. This could mean checking for locks, appliances, harming others/self, catastrophe, mistakes, body, etc. I check everything 2 times of more. Another example is if I tell someone to lock my door, I still go back hours later to see if the the door is look. I literally unlock the door, open the door, close the door, and lock it. I can’t go to sleep without me and only me locking my door.

These manifestation differ from person to person. For me, it is silent and no one really know except those whom truly have it. OCD is not about being near and cleaning so please do not say “I’m so OCD”.

Anxiety is like a bound rope | Depression is like a black hole

You wake up with the rope around your legs. Getting up feels like getting out of a tight alley space but you do it anyway. All of a sudden, the rope is strangling your legs. You beg. You plead. The rope gets tighter. Restless. It begins to break the skin. Maybe someone hears explaining you can not get unraveled.

“How hard can it be. It’s just a wrong. Your arms are free”

“I already tried”

Then I just don’t answer or ask again.

You wake up again. Now you feel planted but weak. Now you feel you are in a darkened hole tying you to the bed. You see the ceiling but you just lay there. Restless. Aggravated but unable to move.

“Get your lazy behind up”

You just lay there.

You spend all day wresting the rope and that darkened space. You have scars so you cover them up with your favorite jacket.

You wake up again. This time the rope is tighter. Still restless. That dark space is now dark matter suffocating you. You move through the day like The Great Boston Molasses Flood of 1919. You count your breathe to explain but it is no point.

You wake up and the rope makes it towards the torso squeezing the appetite out of you.

“You don’t have an appetite?”

“I’m not really hungry”, just don’t have the energy.

You wake up and somehow you look different. That blackened space turns grey and the rope comes undone. You have a smile today and every is calm. You feel okay today to leave that rope under the bed. Some days it will appear and other days you can jump up with no fear.

Harajuku Day Meet-Up #36

Back at it again with another Harajuku inspired style from November 17th meet-up.

I have been looking at more previous styles from the 80’s and remember Cyndi Lauper and also remembered Fruits Magazine. My style is inspired by the 80’s punk-rock and some styles from Fruits Magazine.

Worst Is Near Vinyl Choker by Current Mood and boots by Demonia from Dolls Kill

BV/LK Bodycon checkered dress by Betty and Veronica

Black asymmetrical short-sleeves hoodie from ACDC Rag

Make up is all using NYX Cosmetics