Everyday I learn more about each mental illness. What others go through and more importantly, what I go through. Some of my symptoms I’ve had for such a long time. Only difference is that now I can put a name to it. This does not come with an instruction manual but so many people like to add theirs comments to how I should cope with it. Sometimes I just want to hear that everything is okay.
It takes so much energy to accept my mental illness but I am told that I am too young to have anxiety or what do I need to be depressed about. You don’t have to “go through” an ordeal to have these issues.
With my anxiety, I am always worry about everything when there is nothing to worry about. I don’t choose to worry and I don’t choose to have anxiety.
Knowing that I had depression explains so many issues I have. One main thing is joint pain especially in my knees. I used to assume I was just tall but it was a form of musculoskeletal pain. This also affects my wrists, hands and lower back (L5).
I go through a sensory overload especially when I’m mentally exhausted. Every sound, touch, sight, and smell demands my attention. Nothing is tuned out. I am always on high alert making me mentally overwhelmed and exhausted.
I didn’t chose none of this so I wish people would stop judging me or make assumptions about the way I feel.
There are days I just want to put on some clothes and make myself feel good. Today was one of those days I just being true to myself. I coordinate meticulously and wearing alternative fashion was not a part of a rebellious or attention sealing phase. I have always identified with the freedom of dressing anyway you choose and I genuinely identify with various sub cultures. I enjoy picking out a whole aspect of my personality to display each day.
While most people save their creativity for the weekends or the days they are not working, I prefer to look in the mirror each day and see myself (depression, anxiety and all my flaws). I don’t really wear a lot of jewelry but I strive to survive in my own skin including what I wear. This is my idea of “normal” but it’s everyone else idea of “weird”. Even with my anxiety, I know people are taking about what I wear but I do my best to ignore such things especially when I am of color.
Today’s outfit is how I am feeling: Content and comfortable.