My birthday was last Saturday.
I turned 36 and I didn’t do much.
No big celebration.
No loud rooms.
I wasn’t necessarily by myself but it was just another quiet checkpoint in a life that has felt like running uphill with no ease in sight.
However, I don’t think people understand how exhausting it is to keep going when life just keeps knocking you down.
Because from the outside, it probably looks like I’m fine.
I smile.
I laugh.
I show up.
I post.
I create.
I try.
But behind it all, I’m fighting battles I don’t even know how to explain. The kind of battles that don’t leave bruises people can point to. When I do explain, it falls on deaf ears.
Just silence.
Just weight.
Just a heaviness that sits on your chest like it has made a home.
Tired of feeling like that I’m somehow too much
and not enough all at the same time.
Too weird and different.
Too emotional.
Too ambitious.
But somehow also
not successful enough.
Not important enough.
Not seen enough.
I’m tired of being the strong one. You know that role people assign you without asking?
The one who always need to “shut up”. Tired of the one being laughed at for everything.
The one where I’m always the listener and always the encourager. Always the one holding everybody else together.
But no one ever asks who is holding me up.
Because some days
I don’t need advice.
I don’t need solutions.
I don’t need another “just stay positive.”
I just need someone to notice that I am not okay.
Just once.
Just someone to say “I see you struggling.”
Not when it’s convenient.
Not when it’s trending.
Not when it’s wrapped up in inspiration.
Just real.
Because even during my birthday month I still showed up. I posted new artwork.
It may not look as much but it is pieces that came from weeks of inspiration, and quiet mornings and the parts of my heart and mind.
I keep pouring into a screen hoping someone will feel something.
Not much support…
of course.
And that part hurts more than people realize.
Because I tried. I continue to try over and over and over again.
I still dream of people seeing my work.
Really seeing it.
And it would’ve been nice for the people who say they like my work to share it.
It’s free.
Free to click “like”.
Free to repost.
Free to say “Hey, this matters.”
Sometimes support isn’t money.
Sometimes it’s just being seen.
So yeah…
My birthday was last Saturday and I turned 36.
And I’m still here, no matter how I’m thinking.
Still creating.
Still hoping.
Still trying to believe that one day all the things I’ve been quietly building in the dark will finally be seen in the light. ✨
Leave a Reply