Honestly, I’ve seen and heard the phrase “new year’s resolutions” enough to make my head hurt? I like to be more realistic every year. My concerns or worries don’t just disappear because it’s the new year. I’m scrolling g through posts. I’m scrolling through Google. Looking for something that says that what I’m feeling or even acting-like is normal.
However, what is it?
I remember when I was in school. I would stand out. I was tall for my age, bright & obviously wore glasses. However, I was always talked about — verbally. I came home weekly crying after kids would say the meanest things to me but would clean my face before coming home (my dad is legally blind so he could see my face). I would get this weird feeling every time I get ready for school to the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I would hide the pain I felt in my stomach because I would always hear them laughing at me. Teachers were no help, they silently enabled them saying that “they are just kids”.
Speaking of teachers, I remember in the 9th grade I did not want to share my answers with another student because I knew they didn’t do the work and knew I already had the answers. The teacher actually humiliated me in front of everyone. I’m literally in tears at this point. Called me stuck up & telling me that I’m not that smart. I never thought of myself as such.
But what is it…
I remember I was 16, the day before the 1st day of 11th grade. A car comes around the corner in reverse I’m walking on the sidewalk (which was also a very small empty parking lot). The car hit the breaks toward me, which ended up hitting me. No broken bones but I didn’t know how to explain it to my dad who was walking feet behind me. I didn’t know how to tell someone my foot was throbbing and had lacerations. However, since then my fear of learning how to drive increased. To this day, I don’t know how to drive. I feel saver on public transit.
I remember these things so clearly. I don’t remember the last time it was easy to fall asleep or feel happiness without feeling guilty. I don’t remember what it’s like to be honest with how I’m feeling without feeling nervous or stomach pains.
For a long time, I wondered what is it?
The answer ended up being generalized anxiety disorder & major depression disorder. Knowing only recently at 27 (now being 32). It controlled my life without me knowing. Sadly, it won’t end. Some days I feel horrible & some days I’m just existing. I refuse to let it get to me. I know how to survive with it.