When it comes to mental health, there are a few extremes: feeling like the Queen that I am or feeling like I want to break down and forget everything. Most tend to reach out when I actively show that “something is wrong”.
There are times I feel like giving up but feel dismissed and ignored or feel invalidated because I talk about what’s wrong and what hurts. It’s not a matter of sheer survival or thriving anymore. It’s a battle of my personal stamina and tip-toeing between all the gray areas.
Now I begin to smile whether I’m going through a the days I can’t get up or when I’m active and feel alive. My depression is a smiling face and I appear I have it all together; smiling through the pain and inner turmoil.
I still spend some days crying because of how much I believe I’m not worth it. My thoughts are compelling and is not as simple as “it gets better with time”. However, I still want to prove to myself I can survive even when I may not see the point. That’s when the gray area comes in. I want to be mentally free but I don’t want to loose a part of myself either.