But Here I am, Living In My 30’s

Being in my 30’s is interesting because I never thought I’ll make it too see age 30, let alone 33. This isn’t because of any chronic illness I have or any pain and not even my depression. I never thought I would make it because I didn’t believe I deserved to live and did a lot of self-harm.

I was never intending to hurt myself. I was doing it for the sense of relief it provided. I felt like the only way I could function and leave my room was if I had that release. I was so ashamed that I did it.

I constantly talked about in school. Still, I never missed a day and still help excellent grades but I would come home crying every few days. My dad is legally blind so it was very easy to hide how I was feeling. I hated public school. I was looked at as gifted but didn’t have what the other kids have. Everyone I would feel overwhelmed or “scared”, I bang my head against the wall. Even if I got in trouble as kid — doing things kids normally do — I would bang my head against the wall. I couldn’t take even upsetting my dad or getting in any kind of trouble. I always thought I needed to be near perfect to survive.

I didn’t start cutting myself until age 16. Small cuts in certain areas where I could wear a long sleeve. It wasn’t often happen enough to where someone at school noticed. Not because they were worried but to get back at me. Support wasn’t there because I would get, that I’m just a “kid” or “you should be enjoying being a teenager”. I got so tired of hearing that.

When going into my 20’s, the feelings lessened but had a few times to where mentally I didn’t want to be here. I would have a blank stare to a small stake knife. Sometimes, I would cut and sometimes I wouldn’t. The thought would come “what the heck are you doing?” I usually didn’t have the courage to fully act on it.

The last time was at age 27. My last relationship and around the same time I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. A situation happened to where I’m sitting on the bathroom floor ready to end it and hear a voice telling me to do it. He’s literally telling me to do it but even after all the crying, I couldn’t.

When I was self-harming, if someone had said to me when you are in your 30’s, you are going to be happy and healthy, I wouldn’t have believed them. Even now, but hope and faith, I still wonder how but here I am turning 33 next month in February.

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