I never had a problem with being by myself. That is what an introvert like myself has always done. However, the feeling of loneliness waltzed in and out of my mind and even sometimes worsened my depression. The people I am surrounded by do not fully comprehended my overall complex. My depression does not cause me to isolate, my loneliness does because I begin to believe that no one cares or understands me.
Often depression and loneliness goes hand and hand. It is a vicious cycle that can spiral. My mind is in overdrive because I’m constantly overthinking. It cause me to to want to bother or even inconvenience anyone with how I’m feeling or any related problems. I have always minimize my depression and pretend everything is alright and never want to appear weak or helpless. I pull away and always feel as though I need to handle everything on my own. Speaking of it is just as socially awkward and somewhat triggers my anxiety. At this point, everything feels utterly hopeless. Even though isolation is a choice of mine it makes me feel alone at times.
My mind convinces me that I am inherently broken for some reason but betrayed by others in a society that promotes depressed people as “toxic”. That’s the reality and that is I have depression, which convinces me I am alone and a burden to others. It’s a catch-22. I carry everything on my shoulders and push myself so hard to be “normal” and to remind myself there are people out there. I tried more to listen to my heart but my mind truly takes over and loneliness sneaks in. Loneliness, they say, is a detriment to one’s health and well-being. Loneliness increases mortality. Loneliness is for all intents and purposes a silent killer mimicked as depression.