Grey Areas

I am not a robot. My feelings are very much real. However, I have these irrational thoughts and I am suicidal. However, I am safe and I am not harming myself. I do go out and I am functional. However, I do wake up most mornings thinking I’m better off dead. Yet, I am “too functional” to be taking seriously about how I’m feeling or even my chronic pain. I still get up everyday, look presentable, and take care of what needs to be taking care of. My entire life I worked and try so hard to build a “normal” world for myself that it’s exhausting.

The last two years have been the most difficult because I’m telling more of how I’m feeling and I’m not keeping it to myself. I’m able to state I’m fatigued every morning. I am able to state I feeling a little down. I am able to state I am aching. The responses I get are “why”, “you are too young”, “you did even do anything”. I guess I need to be a certain age to feel validated on how I feel. My anxiety, my thoughts, the depression, it all makes me fatigue and genuinely exhausted almost every day.

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