Having fears are a part of life. I put on this tough exterior because I do not want anyone to see me falter. However, I have more fears than many can realize. The ultimate fear is abandonment. I had this fear long before I even knew I had anxiety or depression. It is difficult and confusing to those around me especially for most who do not understand.
For me, I over analyze everything. I filter the way I speak and body language as if they will leave and when the smallest thing change, I feel anxious and nervous. I don’t want anyone to be mad at me but even forgetting something I mentioned can leave me feeling left out. It is easy to misread others moods because I always assume it’s because of me. Even if someone tells me it is not, I feel as though they are protecting me feelings. If I can “fix” things then maybe you won’t leave. At the end of the day, I need a lot of reassurance. I will ask if you love me because my brain tends to forget. I really don’t fish for compliments but that is how my brain registers things.
When I was young, I was clingy. A friend even nicknamed me “magnet”. I hated it because I was afraid of another friend leaving. Now I’m much more distant because now I’m protecting or preparing myself from being left or forgotten.
I promise it is no ones fault. As long as a person is patient with me and tries to understand where I’m coming from, I can slowly start to feel a bit normal.
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