Body Insecurities

Did you know I am insecure and subconscious with my body for as long as I can remember? I have grown into my body pretty fast in height and weight. By the time I was 13 or 14, I looked like I was almost 21. I was already wearing women clothing sizes, possibly skipping over juniors. Most see me as an object. By knowing this, I refuse to objectify myself. I have a 30-inch waist and 40-inch thighs (this is because I do a lot of squats). I weight 160 pounds currently and do not remember weight anything less than 140 since 2nd grade when I was about 118. However, I look like I weight less than I state and weight a size 6. Ideally, this is a great asset to these men all over the world. From what I have been told, envied by women as well. Minus the issues of stress, I am as fit as a horse from what my doctor tells me. I workout and train 6 days a week with a combination of conditioning, interval training, and lifting. I am average on nutrition because; let us be honest, I love food. Unfortunately, what others see is a woman with a nice behind and nice legs. That’s all great but I am more than just that. I never fully comprehended what most men see other than the way I look from the chest down. For as long as I remember, I was always called ugly, unattractive, a nerd, and oddly unworthy like I wasn’t even black or even human. Now that I am 27, guys who are 40 use the same pickup line saying I look like their daughters. I cannot possibly look like everyone’s daughter. That is gross and disrespectful but I am humble. Still, people make the effort to just grab my behind especially when I was in high school. No. Rejected. Denied. I was told I was cold hearted and need to lighten up. Tell me now, for what?! You see, you would never suspect that I wake up at 2 am to get myself ready in the morning. I workout, shower and collect myself together before leaving at 5:15 am to take the bus and then walk 15 minutes work. While walking, I am interrupted by people sometimes asking “why I am taking the bus?”, “where your boyfriend?”. I am no damsel. I am far from it. It gets exhausting, but I do what I need to do. I have gotten a comment one time walking through Philly that my legs were so big and asked if I workout. The answer is yes, but that does not pass as a compliment. It is hard to even accept any compliments concerning the lower half of my body because I am so insecure about it. The worst part is, not one understands because they will ask me why or tell me that I shouldn’t or that it is all in my head. It is just the way I feel. I can workout until I throw up and even become a vegetarian. I can go fitness pro and still feel insecure. The comments aren’t even of intellect let alone a decent comment. As I write this, I want to do 1,000 squats because I don’t like the way my thighs look or my legs look.

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