Did you know I am insecure and subconscious with my body for as long as I can remember? I have grown into my body pretty fast in height and weight. By the time I was 13 or 14, I looked like I was almost 21. I was already wearing women clothing sizes, possibly skipping over juniors. Most see me as an object. By knowing this, I refuse to objectify myself. I have a 30-inch waist and 40-inch thighs (this is because I do a lot of squats). I weight 160 pounds currently and do not remember weight anything less than 140 since 2nd grade when I was about 118. However, I look like I weight less than I state and weight a size 6. Ideally, this is a great asset to these men all over the world. From what I have been told, envied by women as well. Minus the issues of stress, I am as fit as a horse from what my doctor tells me. I workout and train 6 days a week with a combination of conditioning, interval training, and lifting. I am average on nutrition because; let us be honest, I love food. Unfortunately, what others see is a woman with a nice behind and nice legs. That’s all great but I am more than just that. I never fully comprehended what most men see other than the way I look from the chest down. For as long as I remember, I was always called ugly, unattractive, a nerd, and oddly unworthy like I wasn’t even black or even human. Now that I am 27, guys who are 40 use the same pickup line saying I look like their daughters. I cannot possibly look like everyone’s daughter. That is gross and disrespectful but I am humble. Still, people make the effort to just grab my behind especially when I was in high school. No. Rejected. Denied. I was told I was cold hearted and need to lighten up. Tell me now, for what?! You see, you would never suspect that I wake up at 2 am to get myself ready in the morning. I workout, shower and collect myself together before leaving at 5:15 am to take the bus and then walk 15 minutes work. While walking, I am interrupted by people sometimes asking “why I am taking the bus?”, “where your boyfriend?”. I am no damsel. I am far from it. It gets exhausting, but I do what I need to do. I have gotten a comment one time walking through Philly that my legs were so big and asked if I workout. The answer is yes, but that does not pass as a compliment. It is hard to even accept any compliments concerning the lower half of my body because I am so insecure about it. The worst part is, not one understands because they will ask me why or tell me that I shouldn’t or that it is all in my head. It is just the way I feel. I can workout until I throw up and even become a vegetarian. I can go fitness pro and still feel insecure. The comments aren’t even of intellect let alone a decent comment. As I write this, I want to do 1,000 squats because I don’t like the way my thighs look or my legs look.
Published by LunaNightingale
I put on some make-up and put a smile on my face. If anyone asks me, everything is ok . I'm Laughing because no one knows the joke is on me because I'm dying inside with my pride and the smile on my face. I am an artist who lives my by my own rules and define my own creativity. I explore the world through using my hands, leaving everything else to the imagination. Using graphite to illustrate whatever comes to mind. My art connects me between two worlds...my creativity and my heart. I find an escape in my art. This is where I find my voice...on a blank sheet of paper, a blank template on a computer, or objects I come across. I refuse to limit my artistic expression. View all posts by LunaNightingale