My mind is telling me I am weak. That I shouldn’t speak up. There are times it’s difficult to get out of bed. The problem is, I still do what normal people do. I go to work and do everyday things like normal. Is it anxiety? Is it a form of depression? I’m told I’m too normal to have these issues. That I am worrying to much. That it’s all in my head. I don’t trust people and what they say. I question and second guess all my thoughts and insecurities.
Some days, I listen to everything that voice tells me. But other days, I find the power to ignore it. I have the strength to leave the room. To socialize. To smile. It keeps me occupied.
I keep telling myself I’m strong, because I show up, even when I’m shaking. I speak, even when it’s with a cracked voice. I keep breathing, even when those breaths are hard but I got to do it.
It would be easy for her to cancel plans with her friends, turn down dates, skip class, call in sick from work — and I don’t do it. Sometimes, the idea of being around people is too much for me to handle but wanting just one person to be around me. Most of the time, I do what I have to do even if it’s alone the majority of the time. I wake up on time. I shower and I get dressed and things get done.
Of course, I get distracted throughout the day. A text from someone I didn’t expect to hear from. An email I am not quite sure how to answer. A strange look from one of her coworkers or a handsome guy I’m not good enough for.
I do suffer from constant self-consciousness, but I push past it. I ignore the way I think everyone is looking at me, judging me, and force myself to be productive. I force myself to focus on what’s important.
At times, I feel lesser than others. Like I don’t deserve to be in the same room as people that can talk to strangers as if they’ve known each other for years. I try so hard to not think I’m always alone but it is difficult when you hear people laughing and assume it’s at you or calling you names. Then the recurring times when I try to be normal and end up being hurt or heartbroken. So I do it alone. I overthink I the middle of the night and wish someone can take away these though. I can always sleep but a restful sleep is damn near impossible.
I try so hard. I put in so much effort and told I have gotten so far. My mind tells me otherwise. Some people rarely venture outside of their comfort zone — but I’m outside of my comfort zone every damn day. I am always worried about what to say or what to wear or where I’m going to go to next. I am never relaxed. I’m always on edge. Tell me if I am normal. No, I am not but I have to protect myself so I pretend everything is fine and okay.