As a woman who is used to being, we are someone who loves hard and the toughest to crack. My personal walls are built to the highest. That is all there is: my walls. I, and other women like myself, built these walls entirely on my own and it is a part of my identity. It protects me, maintains me, and keeps me safe, and is just what I know.
I am willing to find a space for someone else, but it takes me a long while to open up completely. It is a challenge. I am used to saying things like, “I can do it myself” or “Don’t worry about it”. However, just because I say these things don’t mean I do not want the person I am with. I want someone to actually support me, rather than help me. Just because I walk the road alone don’t mean I wouldn’t enjoy someone’s company. Being on my own is my own comfort. I get where I need to go, even if I have to walk 15-20 minutes to the nearest bus stop or to work. Sometimes, it is lonely, but it is safe and becomes more familiar.
When someone comes into my world, it shakes up my entire world and routine. There is a lot of fear, but I am open to explain who I am. Those I come in contact with may understand at first, but after a while, it becomes all the same and many will leave and become judgmental. It is understandable, but tiring. The issue is that if and when I let someone else in and begin trusting then I stop being comfortable in my own skin. I hide it very well though. I will always worry if that person will leave, like the countless people before.
When I love someone, I am always thinking, “please do not let me go” and I dread of relearning how to be on my own again. If you are going to be in my life, be prepared to stay, whether it is a friend or something more and respect who I am as a person.
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