For my current and younger self… I am sorry, but not sorry. I am not sorry for being who I am, but I keep apologizing. I cannot let go. I cannot let go of loving someone, even though he is clearly not THE one. As time goes on the question that echoes in my mind is: “why”. Why did I let someone who was so undeserving have my love, time, and affection? The one who thought knew it all or the one who thought can change my character and who I am as a person. I want to think I have what it takes to repair myself. I am the one trying to mend a bruised and broken heart. When we are young, we are vulnerable. We are strong, yet vulnerable. However, even today, we don’t realize that you shouldn’t have to rip yourself apart to keep someone else whole. Time and time again, I continue to think the man I am with is the one. Charming, yes. Good values, yes. Not a lifetime partner or someone to spend the rest of his or her life with.
The irony of it all is that I grew up in a healthy environment, even with one parent…my father. He is what a man should be for a woman, some of which being loyalty, forgiveness, and how important it is to love each other despite the flaws that consume us. Those values were engraved so deep in my heart and soul, I knew exactly what I wanted. I did not want to settle. There’s no denying I came out with a different heart, slightly broken. Yes, every relationship has its lessons. However, the hard part is trying to mend it. Now, I am on the defensive. There is the importance of self-worth, but I believe there is some intimidation there. The hardest part is when you are being yourself and do not conform to the social norms of society. You realize, why. I still have to know if I am deserving of such great love; such unconditional love. Do I conform to society just to obtain that special love or go on being myself? You never know. I will never know.