Sometimes, promises meaning nothing. You do not listen to other people’s words; only their actions. I have learned this at a young age. Those words, “I love you”, I miss you”, meaning nothing unless it is proven. People actually have to show you that they care about you (and not by buying things).
For me, I have dealt with trust issues for a very long time. I am not the one with abandonment issues, however trust does not come lightly. I do not need anyone’s sympathy and I do not want anyone’s pity. Deep down, I need to fight everyone who tries to get close to me. I know others are the same.
Love is not the scary part. Being hurt by love is. When I finally feel safe with someone, it always seems to backfire. Nothing too horrible, but sometimes it is. Acceptance is the issue. I am not accepted for who I am. I am a total geek in more ways than one. That is when a thick shield is put up. Being neglected and abandoned is my worst nightmare. It has happened too many times before. No matter how much I love, they seem to leave. I guess it is their decision that I am not worth it.
To grow up in a single parent home is powerful. I am not used to seeing two parents, except for television shows. I never want to see my dad in pain and I assume that was the case when my mother left. However, I cannot continue to be in that state. No matter how much I love someone, I am uncomfortable letting anyone see my most vulnerable parts. It is all for my protection and no one really knows the feeling.
Everytime I let someone in, they found a reason to leave. Examples include, another female, cheating, not interested, just wanting one thing, blame. I never know what could happen. It is the big fear of the unknown. In return, I show that I am fearless. I show that I relish in my independence and I go after what I want fearlessly. My drive keeps me going, but over the years, my shields have stayed up guarding what is left of my heart. There is a part of me that won’t stop fighting for true love and acceptance, but there is another part of me that wants to give up.