Why is love so painful? Why do we have to go through hoops just to feel worthy enough to be loved? I wake up every morning feeling the pain of loving a man. Someone who, well indeed, finds me attractive, but nothing else. At one point, we were together. We go back and forth on how wrong each of us are. Not knowing how much it hurts. I search high and low for someone to take me as I am and not try to mold me into something I am not.
It hurts more when you love someone and they have not been loved before. They do not know how to receive it correctly and are used to old habits. I am not one to babysit, but I am always there by your side to the left. For a woman like me, I want a true love ending. I want a partner, companion, best friend, and a lover. A family of just you and I. Sadly, I do not want children. However, that should not change how you love someone.
Why does love break hearts sometimes? You try your best to be a woman everyone can love, but somehow not one to be accepted. I’m very honest and straightforward. I will never lead you on. I love much deeper than you realize. However, you tell me I do not at all. I was there by your side and never gave up on you. I was in your corner with all your ideas and the times you doubted yourself. When I began to doubt myself, I was told I should find something else. Maybe I should try something else. When you have worked so hard at your passion and your dream, how can you say to do something else? It hurts more when the one you love doesn’t believe in you.
Love is difficult and it is supposed to be. It is a challenge, something you could not handle. I understand, yet it hurts, but I never stopped loving you. No matter your issues, flaws, and even when you make me mad I always love you. Why couldn’t you do the same for me? That is why it hurts. You blame me for the downfall, but you still haven’t opened up your eyes. You made promises to me and did not keep them. You promised to never leave me and you did, though your shell is still next to me. I packed up my things I moved with you. I maxed out my credit to be with you. I left everything, my circle, to be with you. To tell me you think I didn’t love you the same is asinine. Now, I am unable to find my heart again. I am unable to find a way to love another again. This is why love hurts so much, because I am back to being alone again. Back to stitching up the pieces left. You made it sound so easy and even as a nice guy you still have some things to learn about accepting other people.
Sometimes I get this unending frustration because there just don’t seem to be enough words to convey the pain, the disappointment, and the fear of loving someone so hard and so much that it is not enough for their standards. It is that fear of being alone everyday in my own thoughts. It is hard, stressful to the point of facial breakouts and hair falling out. If you loved me, why did you not believe in my passion and dream? Why did you think it was necessary to blame it all on me? Other races make it so easy. For us black people, it is complicated and holds a higher honor. We long for acceptance and someone to believe in. How can you say it was my fault if you could not accept me as I am? Yet, through everything I accept you as you are. I accepted every piece of you. I guess it was not enough. I am in love with a man, but it hurts like hell.