How come love doesn’t go right for me? I am a shy black woman who is different. Love is supposed to be the sole element of existence. Love does not come without turmoil, tears, and confusion. Why is love so hard, especially when you do all the right things to keep it alive? Love has been no friend of mine.
This comes from someone who had a 1 year relationship with someone who really just wanted to explore women, a three year relationship with someone who want nothing more than just a relationship, and a year and a half relationship with someone who was trying to fill the void of his absentee father and couldn’t accept all of me. The other relationships were short, but for me, I wanted them to be the one. I was in love’s grip and then fell 100 feet to the ground.
Now I am here wondering. I am trying to make sense of all of this. Is it me? Is it him? My only issue is not wanting kids. However, that is my choice and no one else’s. I never lived in the past, but certain things I cannot get over. I see around the world that people are embarking on a new journey towards marriage. It is something I dream of having one day. However, it is painful because love has not been so good to me. As someone who can be self-destructive and find ways to soothe my pain, I find ways to understand why I give my heart to such. I live in my own emotions, but put a smile upon my face so no one can see. I secure that emotional space and feel vulnerable. The hardest thing to do is to choose myself. I think about others and their well being before my own. Some do not see it and others take advantage of it. I already knew who I am, who I define myself as, and what I want out of life. Somehow, love doesn’t seem to fit in those blueprints no matter how hard I try. I am not wanted others want me to be.