Hiding Oneself and Being Comfortable

For as long as I can remember, I always had to hide. I always had to hide who I was, who I wanted to be, my views, and my aspirations. It might have started when I was in grade school. I caught on to things a lot quicker than others. However, I was always put on this pedestal to succeed. Teachers would either use me for an example or believed I was being a smart-alike and put me the spot, especially when I made a mistake. I think I was afraid of being human. I remember how people would start talking about me or look at me differently, so I became reserved. I stepped back, because I was afraid. I would never admit it though.

As I got to high school, all of a sudden I was pretty to them. I had potential. I felt that animal instinct as I walked outside. I looked like a piece of meat to them. I noticed the difference. Everyone knew I was an artist, but I had a particular style. Instead of wearing skinny jeans, leggings, crop tops, and tight clothes I wore baggy jeans and a graphic tee. It was safe and comfortable. I was still into keeping my hair done and I still wore heels. Also, the way I spoke and carried myself spelled that I was a total loser in a lot of people’s eyes. I felt uncomfortable, because people were judging me so I hid myself. I closed myself off and never really can be completely open. If I showed the real me, I would feel intimidated by how others looked at me. I was always put on this pedestal to do well, especially in school.

As the years continued, I became more comfortable hiding my intelligence, my physical appearance, my truths, my thoughts and views. Even now, it is hard to break that comfort zone. Today, you are viewed on how “sexy” you are and who you know. Everytime I get out the shower and get dressed one of the thoughts that come to my head is, what can I wear that won’t cause too much attention and have guys look at me like I am a piece of meat. I try to be careful, but I am an athletic black woman with curves. It sometimes does not work, so now I just embrace it. Sometimes, I still hide who I am because I am so afraid of rejection. It is hard to break out of the cycle, because I have been doing it since I was a little kid. It is about being comfortable with who I am. I tell myself that I am allowed to be who I am. I am allowed to be bold and speak my mind. However, I always have to be careful with some. Not too many understand and that is society’s problem.

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