Bullying & Anxiety

We all known about bullying and how it can affect people especially children. What a lot of people don’t know is that the anxiety caused by bullying can have physical affects as well.

I will tell you that I was bullied as a kid well into my teens. Kids would steal from me, break my glasses pretty frequently, and call me all sorts of name. There were days I would get off school crying but hide it from my dad because I never wanted to worry him so much. It became a constant thing and became much more paranoid around people. I never knew what people were going to say or comment on.

Bullying range in different levels. Children can become hospitalized, get sick, and even commit suicide. It is said that children are prime targets when you are shy and timid or look less likely to stand up for yourself. I was that child, unfortunately.

People underestimate the mind and body connection when it comes to anxiety. It is suggested to make the school aware or someone aware of what’s going on. In my case, it always seem they were against me rather for me. This really did make the anxiety worse. I was told that the kind was jealous or liked me. I was told that kids are just being kids.

Today, the affects of bully really makes it hard for me to make friends fully. I will talk to them but I’m always surprised when someone is nice to me. I always felt that when people are nice to me that they either feel sorry for me or actually want something.

Childhood bullying is actually serious and the mental and physical health affects can not be ignored.

Grey Areas

I am not a robot. My feelings are very much real. However, I have these irrational thoughts and I am suicidal. However, I am safe and I am not harming myself. I do go out and I am functional. However, I do wake up most mornings thinking I’m better off dead. Yet, I am “too functional” to be taking seriously about how I’m feeling or even my chronic pain. I still get up everyday, look presentable, and take care of what needs to be taking care of. My entire life I worked and try so hard to build a “normal” world for myself that it’s exhausting.

The last two years have been the most difficult because I’m telling more of how I’m feeling and I’m not keeping it to myself. I’m able to state I’m fatigued every morning. I am able to state I feeling a little down. I am able to state I am aching. The responses I get are “why”, “you are too young”, “you did even do anything”. I guess I need to be a certain age to feel validated on how I feel. My anxiety, my thoughts, the depression, it all makes me fatigue and genuinely exhausted almost every day.

Living with OCD

I known for a long time that I had OCD before I knew I had depression and probably before I knew I had anxiety. I constantly overthink and obsession almost over every little thing. I have to be constantly busy. I am constantly thinking what I need to do next. There is no off switch. I have this perfectionist mind where the smallest details need to be in a certain way or a certain order for me to feel “safe” or comfortable.

OCD is actually not about cleanliness or a germaphobic. I thought this was the case until a friend actually told me they can tell I have OCD by how naturally fast I walk all the time and my obsession for things to be in a certain way which makes more sense since I have generalized anxiety and social anxiety.

I struggle with perfectionism because I always felt I was placed on this high pedestal to have the best grades, to be great at so many things. While everyone thought I was above average and even thought I was this super smart person. I thought of myself as average. I never thought I was better than anyone else and half the time I felt less than everyone else.

A lot of people say “I’m so OCD” really do not know what it means and how serious it is. I do not blame them for not knowing. I blame them if they do not want to listen to those who have OCD and what it really means to have it. Claiming to be OCD can invalidate those who suffer from it. It’s not an adjective.