Fear of Abandonment

Having fears are a part of life. I put on this tough exterior because I do not want anyone to see me falter. However, I have more fears than many can realize. The ultimate fear is abandonment. I had this fear long before I even knew I had anxiety or depression. It is difficult and confusing to those around me especially for most who do not understand.

For me, I over analyze everything. I filter the way I speak and body language as if they will leave and when the smallest thing change, I feel anxious and nervous. I don’t want anyone to be mad at me but even forgetting something I mentioned can leave me feeling left out. It is easy to misread others moods because I always assume it’s because of me. Even if someone tells me it is not, I feel as though they are protecting me feelings. If I can “fix” things then maybe you won’t leave. At the end of the day, I need a lot of reassurance. I will ask if you love me because my brain tends to forget. I really don’t fish for compliments but that is how my brain registers things.

When I was young, I was clingy. A friend even nicknamed me “magnet”. I hated it because I was afraid of another friend leaving. Now I’m much more distant because now I’m protecting or preparing myself from being left or forgotten.

I promise it is no ones fault. As long as a person is patient with me and tries to understand where I’m coming from, I can slowly start to feel a bit normal.

Avoidant Personally Disorder

I have be doing more research based on how I’m feeling week by week. I ask myself why I can not be normal? I also ask why doctors think a pain pill can solve most pain. I am the type of person who is quiet and reserved and because if this many think I’m rude and arrogant. I’m not. I’m just misunderstood. The fact that what I’m feeling has a name really puts me at ease especially for someone like me who always feel inadequate and resistance to others due to the fear of rejection. All this ties into what is called Avoidant Personality Disorder. Even though this is a fancy name, I do display symptoms of this disorder. I will disengage socially, take fewer risks, and perceive myself as inferior to others. I will get frustrated that I’m not good enough . This is just something I was able to live with because as long as I remained distant I wasn’t a burden to others.

High-Functional Mental Illness

There are a lot of things that go on in this world. It is sometimes interesting, sometimes boring, and sometimes lonely. I never thought of myself as I was better than anyone else but always had this weird ability to think. However, I find out I do a lot of overthinking. I thought I had the answers to who I am and why certain things would happen. I am finding out late in life how my body and brain is reacting. I almost believed I was imaging things like the body aches, the overthinking, and the anxiety. However, it is more described as high-functional mental illness.

As I got older, I became more short tempered, cried for no reason, and mania (more described as Euphoric hypomania), which is hard for many to understand. I always get, “you are too young to experience pain, wait until you are older” or “you are just overreacting, it will pass” or “maybe because you mom wasn’t around”. Yes, my mother was not around but I do not know her to develop any resentment or feelings towards her.

I often feel trapped in my own head sometimes. There are times I can’t sleep where I wake up 1-3 times a night. I would experience constant body aches which now I know is called Chronic Musculoskeletal Pain. I always blame whatever was bothering me on myself.

My primary doctor did diagnosed me with generalized anxiety and depression, but everything after that was based on my own research and finally taking the time to really look up every symptom I thought weren’t even symptoms. I can be manic at times. When I was younger I would dance to music (pretty good at it too). Three things will happen when I’m manic: I will talk way too much, act a bit goofy, or have a high enough energy where I am up at 2 in the morning.

The most important thing is I will look normal and I am able to function pretty well. Little do so many people know is that I am pulled between two sides. The person on the outside is grinning (smiling like my dad) and doing everyday things. The person on the inside has social anxiety, mild depression, overthinking, OCD, hypomania, and just fighting to normalize oneself.

I still have that determination and passion to thrive. I just have to always work 10x harder than everyone else. The two biggest feelings is feeling suicidal and feeling I am out of place with society. When I mean suicidal, I do not mean I want to literally attempt suicide. When I say suicidal, I mean I always think what life would be if I didn’t exist. I only have a few friends because most turned their back on me and deceived me, which enabled my severe trust issues. I would put up walls to protect myself. The only reason I was able to really keep myself together is how well my dad took care of me. I never wanted to worry him either. People always ask me why I talk about my dad so much because he really taught me everything and to use my brain rather than my mouth, to think before I act, and to always be aware. Lastly, to take care of myself. I may not have a complete grasp on the mental illness part but I am able to function and remain a responsible adult (most of the time, lol).