I never knew that something was wrong with me. However, many have told me my entire life that something was wrong with me. As I got older, I started to believe this. However, I never knew what was actually wrong with me besides the fact I was weird and not normal like women in this society.
Not to long ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. However, I have always been functional. It’s not by choice and if I could I would honestly stay in my room or in my bed to hide from the world.
Every time I wake up to turn off my alarm, I feel just “awake”. I’m not refreshed. I’m sometimes tired and even get a little dizzy sometimes. It’s an invisible illness I’m still trying to understand. The one problem I have is my inability to sit down or relax. When I do lay down my legs are a bit restless like I have to do something. If feel as though if I sit down I won’t get back up and this has happened. Most of the time, I have to force myself to be functional and I always look like I have it a together. The functional part will hide my chronic pain, when I’m feeling nervous, or just feeling worthless. Most of my pain is unexplained. I don’t know why or how especially for someone who never got injured or broken a bone in my body.
As I get older, I doesn’t get easier but I learn more about my invisible illness and that I’m still functional
Having fears are a part of life. I put on this tough exterior because I do not want anyone to see me falter. However, I have more fears than many can realize. The ultimate fear is abandonment. I had this fear long before I even knew I had anxiety or depression. It is difficult and confusing to those around me especially for most who do not understand.
For me, I over analyze everything. I filter the way I speak and body language as if they will leave and when the smallest thing change, I feel anxious and nervous. I don’t want anyone to be mad at me but even forgetting something I mentioned can leave me feeling left out. It is easy to misread others moods because I always assume it’s because of me. Even if someone tells me it is not, I feel as though they are protecting me feelings. If I can “fix” things then maybe you won’t leave. At the end of the day, I need a lot of reassurance. I will ask if you love me because my brain tends to forget. I really don’t fish for compliments but that is how my brain registers things.
When I was young, I was clingy. A friend even nicknamed me “magnet”. I hated it because I was afraid of another friend leaving. Now I’m much more distant because now I’m protecting or preparing myself from being left or forgotten.
I promise it is no ones fault. As long as a person is patient with me and tries to understand where I’m coming from, I can slowly start to feel a bit normal.
I have be doing more research based on how I’m feeling week by week. I ask myself why I can not be normal? I also ask why doctors think a pain pill can solve most pain. I am the type of person who is quiet and reserved and because if this many think I’m rude and arrogant. I’m not. I’m just misunderstood. The fact that what I’m feeling has a name really puts me at ease especially for someone like me who always feel inadequate and resistance to others due to the fear of rejection. All this ties into what is called Avoidant Personality Disorder. Even though this is a fancy name, I do display symptoms of this disorder. I will disengage socially, take fewer risks, and perceive myself as inferior to others. I will get frustrated that I’m not good enough . This is just something I was able to live with because as long as I remained distant I wasn’t a burden to others.