I am told that the actions I display and the way I think is due to the actions of my mother, her not being around and not having a relationship with her at all. The actions I display and the way I think is indeed through experience but not because of someone else. It is is because of me. I have been able to formulate my own opinion for as long as I remember. I have accepted the fact that I’m very opinionated but I would never force those opinions upon others.
When I was younger, I did wanted to get married like every other young girl. However, I knew what I wanted from the very beginning. Now that I’m older, it has a deeper meaning. I kept the same values just removed marriage out of the equation because I ultimately want to be with a man who can have a deeper level of communication even though I’m an introvert. I want a man to listen to understand and not just hear me. I want a man to also be my partner, my best friend and my lover. I want a man who will be real with me and not try to spare my feelings. I want a man that shows empathy and is genuinely kind. I want a man to respect my sexuality because I am a Demisexual, which means I am an individual who does not experience sexual attraction unless I form a strong emotional connection to a man.
I am a woman who is willing to take care of a man who can also take care of me not just physically but mentally. So I view marriage as a piece of paper that tells the government that the couple is together and sharing assets. What I’ve wanted was always more than just a husband and to get married. I want a true bond and unconditional love. That is something I formulated on my own not because of the actions my mother and the lack-of her in my life.
When you are that kind of woman who is always there for others, you feel a lot. You have depths within you. You give without a second thought, tearing pieces of your soul into the smallest fragments to make sure everyone else is okay.
You hurt and ache just like everyone else and wondering if someone will give you that same kind of love you freely give to others. You wondering if there will be a day when someone asks you how you are coping or how you are feeling without an agenda.
You find your strength in other places than human beings. You find it in your solitude and your hoping in your daydreams. You build yourself up.
See, sometimes the woman who smiles the biggest and laughs the loudest holds the biggest hurt. That woman who wipes the tears of others cries in solitude and wants to be told that she is appreciated. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders even when she doesn’t have to. A woman who is there for others has a rare heart; a heart of empathy and kindness.
I’ve learned a lot about the word “sorry”. When I say “I’m sorry”, I’m sincere and genuine about it. However, in life, I’ve learn how empty saying “I’m sorry” can often be. By being bullied and picked on, I learned empathy and forgiveness even though someone was verbally hurting and bullying me. I hold no grudges even though I don’t like or trust too many people. Most do not apologize to me even though most of the time that’s all I want. When someone does say “I’m sorry”, it is an exasperated response and often meaningless with no changed behavior or improvement.
I will always forgive someone as a person. However, I can’t continue to accept apologies while also expecting to be hurt again causing me more emotional and mental pain.
Words have always had power and meaningful. They can be beautiful and make a difference but also words without action is empty, soulless and deceiving. If you are sorry, I expect you to be sorry enough to make an effort to change.