It’s A Medical Condition, Not A Choice

Everyday I learn more about each mental illness. What others go through and more importantly, what I go through. Some of my symptoms I’ve had for such a long time. Only difference is that now I can put a name to it. This does not come with an instruction manual but so many people like to add theirs comments to how I should cope with it. Sometimes I just want to hear that everything is okay.

It takes so much energy to accept my mental illness but I am told that I am too young to have anxiety or what do I need to be depressed about. You don’t have to “go through” an ordeal to have these issues.

With my anxiety, I am always worry about everything when there is nothing to worry about. I don’t choose to worry and I don’t choose to have anxiety.

Knowing that I had depression explains so many issues I have. One main thing is joint pain especially in my knees. I used to assume I was just tall but it was a form of musculoskeletal pain. This also affects my wrists, hands and lower back (L5).

I go through a sensory overload especially when I’m mentally exhausted. Every sound, touch, sight, and smell demands my attention. Nothing is tuned out. I am always on high alert making me mentally overwhelmed and exhausted.

I didn’t chose none of this so I wish people would stop judging me or make assumptions about the way I feel.

Bullying & Anxiety

We all known about bullying and how it can affect people especially children. What a lot of people don’t know is that the anxiety caused by bullying can have physical affects as well.

I will tell you that I was bullied as a kid well into my teens. Kids would steal from me, break my glasses pretty frequently, and call me all sorts of name. There were days I would get off school crying but hide it from my dad because I never wanted to worry him so much. It became a constant thing and became much more paranoid around people. I never knew what people were going to say or comment on.

Bullying range in different levels. Children can become hospitalized, get sick, and even commit suicide. It is said that children are prime targets when you are shy and timid or look less likely to stand up for yourself. I was that child, unfortunately.

People underestimate the mind and body connection when it comes to anxiety. It is suggested to make the school aware or someone aware of what’s going on. In my case, it always seem they were against me rather for me. This really did make the anxiety worse. I was told that the kind was jealous or liked me. I was told that kids are just being kids.

Today, the affects of bully really makes it hard for me to make friends fully. I will talk to them but I’m always surprised when someone is nice to me. I always felt that when people are nice to me that they either feel sorry for me or actually want something.

Childhood bullying is actually serious and the mental and physical health affects can not be ignored.

Grey Areas

I am not a robot. My feelings are very much real. However, I have these irrational thoughts and I am suicidal. However, I am safe and I am not harming myself. I do go out and I am functional. However, I do wake up most mornings thinking I’m better off dead. Yet, I am “too functional” to be taking seriously about how I’m feeling or even my chronic pain. I still get up everyday, look presentable, and take care of what needs to be taking care of. My entire life I worked and try so hard to build a “normal” world for myself that it’s exhausting.

The last two years have been the most difficult because I’m telling more of how I’m feeling and I’m not keeping it to myself. I’m able to state I’m fatigued every morning. I am able to state I feeling a little down. I am able to state I am aching. The responses I get are “why”, “you are too young”, “you did even do anything”. I guess I need to be a certain age to feel validated on how I feel. My anxiety, my thoughts, the depression, it all makes me fatigue and genuinely exhausted almost every day.