Inside Out Challenge

I wake every morning with the same routine. I even able to work out. Then there are days where I’m on autopilot. No one ever seemed to understand how I am feeling most days. When I’m say “I’m exhausted”. I get responses asking me why or stating I’m too young to be tired. I have to pretend that I’m okay and content even when my pain hits, even when my anxiety hits, even when my depression hits. I never felt I was good enough. Every time I do something wrong in someone’s eyes or if I’m not “top notch” in someone’s eyes I feel like crap. I’m internally crying more but when I physically cry, it’s red. I feel like I’m suffocating and feel so much pain. The overthinking even becomes to much. I take off my glasses and curl in a ball under my blanket. No one has seen it. At the end of the day, I am functional. I am breathing.

Words Have An Affect on Mental Health

Remember when your parents or adults would remind you “sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you”? Mostly everyone has heard this or was told this. For some it is farther from the truth. Words are used as communication. Once something is said, you can not un-say-it. Ever since a child, I was teased and called every name from nerd, to ugly, to even pull phrases that diminished my self esteem and even bring me to tears. This was every other day. No one took me series then and when I explain my story, no one believes me now.

There are days I wake up literally thinking —

“What would happen if I literally harmed myself or attempted to kill myself, would anyone care?”

Until recently, I actually never knew why someone calling me a name would hurt my feelings until recently. I don’t like confrontation! It has so much to do with social anxiety. The worst part about sitting in class everyday is that everyone would laugh at me and call me names. The only thing the teachers would do is watch; maybe say “stop it” but no action what-so-ever.

Words hurts! Hurtful words spoken intentionally can wound deeply but so can words that are simply part of our vocabulary – words that aren’t meant to be hurtful but nevertheless cause others pain. You are told to “get over it”. I became more reserved and pass it off as just being shy when I was developing a mental illness of anxiety and depression.

Today, I am unable to respond to compliments. I will say “thank you” but I won’t believe someone when they compliment me even though it registers in my heart. It won’t register in my mind. Believe it or not, I am able to interact with people and function normally — on the outside. On the inside, I have several instructive thoughts and want to go in complete solitude.

When it comes to mental health, words matter. They matter when your are young why you are still developing and can be impactful when your are older. Words do hurt. The ridicule, distain, humiliation, taunting, all cause injury. Verbal abuse causes more than emotional trauma. It inflicts lasting physical effects on brain structure. Bullying is series and words are a form of communication. Please be mindful.

It’s A Medical Condition, Not A Choice

Everyday I learn more about each mental illness. What others go through and more importantly, what I go through. Some of my symptoms I’ve had for such a long time. Only difference is that now I can put a name to it. This does not come with an instruction manual but so many people like to add theirs comments to how I should cope with it. Sometimes I just want to hear that everything is okay.

It takes so much energy to accept my mental illness but I am told that I am too young to have anxiety or what do I need to be depressed about. You don’t have to “go through” an ordeal to have these issues.

With my anxiety, I am always worry about everything when there is nothing to worry about. I don’t choose to worry and I don’t choose to have anxiety.

Knowing that I had depression explains so many issues I have. One main thing is joint pain especially in my knees. I used to assume I was just tall but it was a form of musculoskeletal pain. This also affects my wrists, hands and lower back (L5).

I go through a sensory overload especially when I’m mentally exhausted. Every sound, touch, sight, and smell demands my attention. Nothing is tuned out. I am always on high alert making me mentally overwhelmed and exhausted.

I didn’t chose none of this so I wish people would stop judging me or make assumptions about the way I feel.