I never had a problem with being by myself. That is what an introvert like myself has always done. However, the feeling of loneliness waltzed in and out of my mind and even sometimes worsened my depression. The people I am surrounded by do not fully comprehended my overall complex. My depression does not cause me to isolate, my loneliness does because I begin to believe that no one cares or understands me.
Often depression and loneliness goes hand and hand. It is a vicious cycle that can spiral. My mind is in overdrive because I’m constantly overthinking. It cause me to to want to bother or even inconvenience anyone with how I’m feeling or any related problems. I have always minimize my depression and pretend everything is alright and never want to appear weak or helpless. I pull away and always feel as though I need to handle everything on my own. Speaking of it is just as socially awkward and somewhat triggers my anxiety. At this point, everything feels utterly hopeless. Even though isolation is a choice of mine it makes me feel alone at times.
My mind convinces me that I am inherently broken for some reason but betrayed by others in a society that promotes depressed people as “toxic”. That’s the reality and that is I have depression, which convinces me I am alone and a burden to others. It’s a catch-22. I carry everything on my shoulders and push myself so hard to be “normal” and to remind myself there are people out there. I tried more to listen to my heart but my mind truly takes over and loneliness sneaks in. Loneliness, they say, is a detriment to one’s health and well-being. Loneliness increases mortality. Loneliness is for all intents and purposes a silent killer mimicked as depression.
Everyday our black community is under attack. Not only just our race , our bodies, our hair and our livelihood but our reproductive health. As black women, our access to safe sexual and reproductive health care is in jeopardy. Black women has been the backbone of social movements in this country for such a long time.
Black women for whom the “choice “ in “pro-choice” does not apply because of restrictive policies. Black women for whom are miles away from the nearest health center or hospital. Black women for whom find their pain ignored and their decisions shamed.
In this world, it is not easy to be a black woman especially a carefree black women over the age of 25 years old with no children and unmarried. Essentially, being a carefree Black woman means that you do not have to fit into a specific box to be unapologetically black. I never did fit into a specific box or a specific stereotype. Embracing this for me meant destroying the idea that we can only show one side of ourselves to the world and erasing the stigma of actually being what it is to be a black woman.
The world see us, see our bodies, see our experiences and experiences and voices. When you do stand with us black women, it requires intentionality, respect and to take everything we fight for and stand for seriously.
I am told that the actions I display and the way I think is due to the actions of my mother, her not being around and not having a relationship with her at all. The actions I display and the way I think is indeed through experience but not because of someone else. It is is because of me. I have been able to formulate my own opinion for as long as I remember. I have accepted the fact that I’m very opinionated but I would never force those opinions upon others.
When I was younger, I did wanted to get married like every other young girl. However, I knew what I wanted from the very beginning. Now that I’m older, it has a deeper meaning. I kept the same values just removed marriage out of the equation because I ultimately want to be with a man who can have a deeper level of communication even though I’m an introvert. I want a man to listen to understand and not just hear me. I want a man to also be my partner, my best friend and my lover. I want a man who will be real with me and not try to spare my feelings. I want a man that shows empathy and is genuinely kind. I want a man to respect my sexuality because I am a Demisexual, which means I am an individual who does not experience sexual attraction unless I form a strong emotional connection to a man.
I am a woman who is willing to take care of a man who can also take care of me not just physically but mentally. So I view marriage as a piece of paper that tells the government that the couple is together and sharing assets. What I’ve wanted was always more than just a husband and to get married. I want a true bond and unconditional love. That is something I formulated on my own not because of the actions my mother and the lack-of her in my life.