Sometimes The Woman Who is Always There for Everyone Else, Needs Someone There for Her

When you are that kind of woman who is always there for others, you feel a lot. You have depths within you. You give without a second thought, tearing pieces of your soul into the smallest fragments to make sure everyone else is okay.

You hurt and ache just like everyone else and wondering if someone will give you that same kind of love you freely give to others. You wondering if there will be a day when someone asks you how you are coping or how you are feeling without an agenda.

You find your strength in other places than human beings. You find it in your solitude and your hoping in your daydreams. You build yourself up.

See, sometimes the woman who smiles the biggest and laughs the loudest holds the biggest hurt. That woman who wipes the tears of others cries in solitude and wants to be told that she is appreciated. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders even when she doesn’t have to. A woman who is there for others has a rare heart; a heart of empathy and kindness.

Empty Apologies

© Mellyssa Angel Diggs
Ink drawing by Mellyssa Angel Diggs

I’ve learned a lot about the word “sorry”. When I say “I’m sorry”, I’m sincere and genuine about it. However, in life, I’ve learn how empty saying “I’m sorry” can often be. By being bullied and picked on, I learned empathy and forgiveness even though someone was verbally hurting and bullying me. I hold no grudges even though I don’t like or trust too many people. Most do not apologize to me even though most of the time that’s all I want. When someone does say “I’m sorry”, it is an exasperated response and often meaningless with no changed behavior or improvement.

I will always forgive someone as a person. However, I can’t continue to accept apologies while also expecting to be hurt again causing me more emotional and mental pain.

Words have always had power and meaningful. They can be beautiful and make a difference but also words without action is empty, soulless and deceiving. If you are sorry, I expect you to be sorry enough to make an effort to change.

What it is like for me: Social Anxiety

I have always showed signs of social anxiety since I was real young. As a child, I was labeled shy, antisocial and sensitive. I had large gatherings especially at school or with other adults. I always felt uncomfortable being the center of attention. My body would always freeze for a few minutes whether it was to read aloud in school or presentations. No one ever knew even to this day. Even as an adult, I am able to do social tasks well but my body would become numb with nervousness and constantly on edge.

Talking with other people is another story. I am very talkative when I am talking with others that seems to listen. At the same time, I can easily walk past you and not say a word especially when I don’t know you. Too much social interaction drains me to the point of utter fatigue.

If people really understood before passing judgement, they would see that I’m always nervous of what people may say about me. I’m always wondering if someone is laughing at me. This is a everyday struggle. The anxiety is an everyday struggle. I do not suffer from panic attacks, however I will get pains in my stomach and throughout my nerves in my body. No can see it. No one will realize it. I smile like everything is okay. It is, however a struggle no one understands unless they are dealing with it.